Biltong

2 Days left until I get my biltong :)

Dad has been in Africa for 6 weeks, obviously the most precious is that he has come home and we get to meet him again, then on a close second spot is the fact that he has brought us biltong!!! Gonna be lovely to put my teeth into it :D

On general I must say that life is treating me well. Had a talk with my neurosurgeon and he is calm again, so am I so all is well and my health is constantly improving! What is there to complain about?

Tomorrow I'm heading a little south to meet my sister and her family, then wednesday is meeting the folks, my gramps and then back to town again. Thursday Ramona is coming for the weekend! This week looks like it is set up to be another awesome time in my life!

Love to you all!

Trust and truth

Sometimes life is just about trusting... You trust that you'll make it, that the jump will go ok, that the landing will be safe and that you can continue...

Every day we make choices about trusting people, sometimes its rewarded other times it ends up in hurt and pain. One thing is certain, we can only keep mounting again and again after we fall... if we don't let people in it will almost always end in pain or even worst... lonelyness!

Trust someone today!!!

Red wine night?

Maybe tonight will be a night to finnish saras bottle of red?! Only the future can tell.

The rest of the day I have absolutely no idea of what to do... frustrating... and the weather sucks! Guessing I'll have to look forward to that bottle :)

Insane or Brave?

Not sure if I am slightly insane or if I am brave?

One week ago I got dropped of urgently at the neurosurgeons ward and poked in for a few days, but they couldn’t figure out the problem so I was let go and have since been home struggling to be up and about for longer periods of time. But this state of existence rhymes very badly with my intentions for the future!

So on one hand the option is to stay put, lye down and just wait to be better, then on the other hand I have tried that for 6 months and the only result I am getting is my life is on hold which is starting to frustrate me beyond belief. So in order to save any relations in my life and to save my own sanity and well being it is time for action…

Now take it easy some people say and I have to again and again return to the fact that just hanging around doesn’t seem to be lucrative for me *smiling* Plus I don’t seem to have the ability to go half speed, it is like all or nothing. I was listening to Queen the other day and the words “I want it all and I want it now” are currently fitting in my life!

What I want:

Where do I want to be? – Somewhere where my life is mine to live! Currently Jönköping is on the top of the list!

What do I want to do? – Something that will have me wake up to a smile and a challenge!

Who do I want in my life? – Family, but not too close, am getting claustrophobic – Friends to share all aspects of life with!

Medically – can unfortunately not avoid this point – I need to be close to Linköping for the neurosurgeon. I am currently waiting for tests and check-ups.

My current situation:

I am kind of living my life on hold… waiting for it to restart and I am not sure it will do so by itself, so the thought that is now moulding round in my head is how do I jumpstart it without jeopardising my health?

A while back I said that our lives are what we make them! And the importance of believing in yourself! I believe that I have loads to contribute both on a private and professional level. I long to have my own life back, 6 months of break is enough!!!

Therefore my current action plan is:

Tomorrow morning the bus leaves for Jönköping, hoping it will contain me and my bags! I am living in a friends flat for a month then I need to have found a job and a place to stay!

Not much of a plan but one thing I have learned from my life so far is that no matter how much there is to struggle with or get through I can’t put my life on hold because then I fear that I will wake up one day and realize that life is what has happened while I have been waiting for it. Not wanting to miss out on the goodies I therefore invite you who want to be part of my life to join in and enjoy the ride!!!

Carpe Diem

Looks so normal...

...And yet it is so abnormal!

Have been to doc and found out that I am going blind on my left eye again... No one know why or what the next step is, so while they are scratching their heads I get to ponder on what their next step will be...

Ponder with me if you dare

Tired

Am really ridiculously tired right now... Haven't slept in my own bed for 11 nights and it is calling my name so loud I promise one can almost hear it over the fields here in the middle of the forest!

Have had an interesting journey home on the train, read through no 6 of the 7 books about Narnia, so am getting hyped up there. Also had toto running in my ipod and have pondered the truthfulness in some of the lyrics.

Hold the line --- wouldn't it be better if we all just didn't have to worry about timing all the time...

Africa --- there is no place like home!!!

So with these very short and very scattered thoughts I bid good night!

Tomorrow is 11th September 2008 --- wonder what will happen this year?

Luv

Inspiration

Today I have had a new day,

a day with exciting moments,

loads of potential and new energy!

Sounds amazing doesn't it!!!

The other day I received an email telling me that the only thing confining me was my own ideas of who I am and my own limitations of what I can achieve! So I decided to not confine myself anymore. I am sitting here writing a business plan, organizing myself, my future and thinking about all the exciting stuff that could be round the corner if I only let it be :)

Realizing it is true that the only limitations we have are the ones we set ourselves... I set out to open my horizon, to extend my bounderies and decide that I am limitless (for a while) in order to find what I want to do. The same email also told me that we create the reality we live in ourselves, so again I have spent some time sitting down and thinking about what reality I want and am now buzy creating it!

Loving my life!!!

Humiliation

How much can one stand? Is there a limit? Or maybe I'm just a succer for it? The last weeks I have been pathetic...

Met a guy, he seemed nice, very nice, kissed him, he kissed me, then I left, we were to meet again. 3 weeks later I still haven't met him. I feel like I somehow managed to push him away? For the first time in 8 years I actually let someone like me, or at least I let myself think that someone could like me. Only to find out that one option is that he played me and that afternoon was nothing more that lazy fun for him, and the other option is that I subcontiously pushed him away because I was scared.

Now seeing as I haven't met him since that saturday afternoon, I am guessing I was played. Well done. Since I have sent messages and called. He has answered my calls when not from my number = he doesn't want to talk to me = I got played. And my texts most often go unanswered.

This morning I realized the pathetic situation, and let go... Hurts to think I could missjudge someone so completely and yet it was nice to think that maybe someone could like me again, maybe its not a lost cause, but maybe I am... who knows. What I do know is I have humiliated myself enough... no more contact. No more asking to meet, he knows where I am if he wants to see me (said with hope) knowing he won't.

Easy words to say, hard to accept... I was played, but I am not a women to crawl for a man that has no desire for me... humiliation stops here...