Sometimes I wonder...

I wonder... why do we go through the things we do in order to achieve the things we want to? Do we really know what we want? Or has someone told us what we are supposed to want and that is what we then transfer into our minds and learn to accept as truths...

I wonder... how come it is so hard to find love? Why is it seemingly impossible to find the match... or even worst, having found it once, why is it so impossible to think that it might happen again? Why is it difficult to accept that maybe there might be someone willing to love me again?

I wonder... if life is supposed to be so hard? Why we never just cruise? Is it always going to be a struggle? Is it always going to be such an effort to live? Is it always going to take all my energy and effort to manage to survive? To do what I think is right?

I don't have many answers, but I just wonder...

Almost had a shock, but guessing its a pretty good result :)

hihi - not bad hey?

According to the test result text and explanation I am a visionary philosopher:

Your mind's strengths allow you to think ahead of the game — to imagine or anticipate what should come next in just about any situation. Because you're equally skilled in the numerical and verbal universes of the brain, you can draw from multiple sources of information to come up with great ideas. The timelessness of your vision and the balance between your various skills are what make you a Visionary Philosopher.

In addition to your strengths in math and linguistics, you have a knack for matching and anticipating patterns. These skills and your uncanny ability to detect the underlying blueprint of most of life's situations add to your Visionary Philosopher mind.

Two philosophers who share the same combination of skills you possess are Plato and Benedict Spinoza. Spinoza had insight into how things worked in the world. He could envision a future based on the patterns he saw in life, and used mathematical logic as a structure within which to present his philosophical arguments. With that base he was able to use logic to formulate his theories. Borrowing from his linguistic strengths he wrote eloquent texts and, therefore, was able to bring his philosophical ideas and structure to the rest of the world. His story exemplifies the talents that are present in the Visionary Philosopher intellectual type.

Whatever you decide to do in life, you've got a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a wide variety of ways. You can expand your mind to understand a situation. Your strong balance of math and verbal skills will help you explain things to others. Given your ability to put things together, you are more than capable of inventing a life plan that is in synch with your perspective on how things were, how they are, and how they might be one day.

Sweden and Autumn

I am sitting at the kitchen table in my parents houyse on the country side. Looking through the window over the green fields and through the trees 100 m away I see the glitter from the lake water. The sky is showing its blue colour between some white clouds, and the air is filled with the crisp feeling of autumn. The trees are beginning to show some redish/yellowish colour on the leaves, all in all the feeling of breathing swedish country air always fills me with joy.

Yesterday when arriving here late at night, the rain was pouring, but when the door to the house was opened I was met by family, my parents and nieces. In one sense very surialistic to be in Sweden knowing that in a week I am back home again in my flat.

Blessings to all of you out there :)

Life, la la la la la, la la life, la la la la la

Ja ni, för 365 dagar sedan steg jag av planet i Kapstaden, lite halft förvirrad, bortkommen och inte helt säker på att jag just varit smart som gett bort mina grejer och packat väskan för att åka. När jag satt på planet mellan Amsterdam och Johannesburg snurrade det runt tankar som att: jag borde nog satt grejerna i förvaring, tänk om jag åker hem om en månad, ingenting kvar, vad är det jag ska göra här egentligen, har jag tänkt genom detta ordentligt, är jag galen? Ungefär så!

Väl framme kändes det som att det blev bra, visst har det funnits gånger under året som jag ifrågasatt min egen mentala hälsa för att ha flyttat ner hit, men det har även funnits gånger som jag utan tvekan vetat att jag är på rätt plats. Egentligen finns det ju inget större intresse i dåtidens funderingar och tankar, mest en anekdot om hur tillvaron kändes för ett år sedan. Desto mer intressant blir det ju om jag funderar på vad jag tror om livet idag. Innan ni får det ska jag summera året i lite punkter:

• Jobb
• Skratt
• Gråt
• 4 lägenheter (japp, bor i min 4:e lägenhet)
• Stephan o Anettes gästrum
• Kollegor
• Nya vänner
• Bada
• Sola
• Jobba lite mer
• Djur
• Amanda
• Miriam
• Solnedgångar
• Jul
• Fest
• Utmaningar
• Skräck
• Glädje
• Funderingar
• Liv
• Församling
• Sjukdom
• Operation
• Tillfrisknande
• Golf (bil)
• Bubbla cabrolé
• Tillfreds

Ja, det är några enordsintryck från detta året. Gällande hur jag mår rent fysiskt just nu så är jag tillbaka fulltid. Det svåra för alla utom mig, både där hemma och här hemma, är att jag är ju alltid sjuk, men det syns inte på mig. Menar inte negativt, men sedan 2003 har jag fått leva med sjukdomen, inte så att jag menar ”stackars mig”, mer; en tid på sjukhuset är enbart en förvärrad sjukdomsperiod, det är inte så att jag är frisk idag, även om det ser ut så för den externa åskådaren. Men jag väljer att leva mitt liv som om jag vore frisk, jag vill inte ha långtids sjukskrivningar, jag vill inte ha samhällets sympatier. Så länge jag kan, kommer jag fortsätta att leva som om jag vore frisk. Enda som händer är att det ibland blir missförstånd i vardagen när jag inte orkar, utöver det tycker jag min lösning funkar utmärkt.

Ok, nu för att summera hur jag känner idag: Jag älskar mitt liv och jag älskar den här platsen :) Det räcker som summering.

Thursday and dead

So far this week I have been good, keeping to the diet, following instructions, swimming every morning before work, getting up at 5 am. Unbelievable!

But today I am tired :)

Tonight I'm doing cellgroup, I am talking on the symbolism found in the tabernacle and the instructions God gave Moses. Hoping it will be interesting. We shall see what reactions I get.

Frustration

Ok, so here I am, supposedly getting better, yet with a ridiculous pain in my right side... and the best part is where the doctors say: "wonder why?" Isn't that what I am paying them to sort out? Arg...

Where is the line between sanity and insanity when the ability to deal with pain and boredom just fades away? If I at least wasn't in pain, I could work, but now I'm sore and need time to recover. Grrr.

Calling the doctor again, will see what he says today.

Home and recoveIring

So this is what it came down to, they let me out and let me home :) I am now feeling MUCH better and am hoping to go back to work tomorrow, at least for 4 hours per day this week.

Its amazing the perspectives it brings to life to have a couple of bed bound weeks, forcing you to think about reality about what is relevant and what is fleety. Maybe I can post some of my thoughts here eventually, but till then, know that I am doing better.

Luv M

Normal clothes!

Normal clothes! I've just put on normal clothes after a week in
hospital gowns I have now got a pair of black trousers and a t-shirt
on. Although I have cold feet and wish I had a pair of socks. Noises
in the ward are beginning to feel familiar and the nurses now carry a
recognising smile when they see me. Still I am hoping to go home
today!

Hospital

A night on the ward! I'm lying here on my back, no hair left, a
stuffed polarbear on my belly to keep the surgical wound from hurting
too much. My 2 wounds in the scull are still sore. I have just had 2
visitors and the night lights are out. 
Amazing how fast things
change, a week ago I had lunch at hout cabaret prepairing for a work
week at travelstart, this sunday I've had brain surgery hoping to
recover before the week is over. 
Love from me

W O R K P R A Y E R

Lord, I pray that you would bless the work of my hand. May my labor bring not only favor, success and prosperity, but great fulfillment as well. If the work I am doing is not in line with your perfect will for my life, reveal this to me. Show me what I should do differently and guide me down the right path. Give me strength, faith and a vision for the future so I can rise above any propensity for laziness.

May I never run from work out of fear, selfishness, or a desire to avoid responsibility. On the other hand, help me to see that I don't have to work myself to death for man’s approval, or grasp for gain beyond what is a gift from You. Give me the ability to enjoy my success without striving for more. Help me to excel, but free me from the pressure to do so.

I pray that you will be Lord over my work and may I bring You into every aspect of it. Give me enough confidence in the gifts You’ve place in me, to be able to seek, find and do good work. Open up doors of opportunity for me that no man can close. Develop my skills so that they grow more valuable with each passing year. Show me what I can do to stay encouraged.

I pray that my work will be established, secure, successful, satisfying and financially rewarding. May I not be “lagging in diligence, but fervent in spirit, serving the Lord” (Romans 12:11). Let me be like a tree planted by the stream of Your living water, which brings forth fruit in due season. May I never wither under pressure, but grow strong and prosper (Psalm 1.3).

Landing

Today I've had an amazing day. Started by having a thought threw
breakfast on my balcony. Then went to the office for a couple of
hours. Back again I met with a friend and joined her on a trip to the
country side to a horse farm. Amazingly the smell and feel of horses
always brings healing to my heart. Maybe its time to start again, get
the riding going properly. If this is where I am making or rather
building my home, maybe it's time to start with a few hobbies in Cape
Town.

INDIA

What an amazing country this is, only 4 days here so far, but I love this chaos that is presented here. The smell, the people, the colors, the children, the traffic, the cows, the camels, the everything... Come here and experience it!!!

Words & Love

Are words empty? What gives words their meaning? Is it the believability of people or do words simply mean what we interpret them to mean? If words mean different things to different people how do you know when you can trust what someone says...

If the words "I love you" can be broken with the explanation that "it didn't happen" what is the power of love? Was it a miss usage of the words or was it a sincere longing?

In both cases, how can perceived love lead to something so painful? I don't understand? How can I learn to trust again, how can I believe? Maybe its a decision, maybe its waiting for the right person... maybe its a must... but how do you master the fear it combines?

morning

Silence meets when opening the door in the morning on the countryside, or at least the city silence. If you quiet down and listen there are many birds that make their presence known.

A short moment with serenity, a moment of peace, a cup of tea, before the day begins.

Familiarity

It always amazes me to come back to childhood places. To gaze towards the lake and think of the times spent swimming from the rocks. Looking out over the fields where we used to run barefoot and step in cow muck. To remember my first fishing trip, my days of laughter and fun with friends at the neighboring lake. To see the old schoolyard, knowing that the same teachers still work there. Same football field, same gym. Going in to town, that each spring comes alive, spending time talking to an old history teacher, realizing that people have died this last year. I love my life which contains lots of change, but isn't it wonderful how comforting it can be with familiarity for just a short period of time. Then I'm back in the game.

Airports

Only 1 piece per person - load lady yells prior to security... hehe... I don''t envy them, saying the same thing to a few thousand each day. Most of the airport staff where in a misserable mood, so I tried to focus on smiling and being polite, thinking, "I may make someones day!"

Amazingly you get shocked responses from staff if your nice and polite, almost as if they're expecting a rude person.

So far today, I think I've conjured a few smiles anyway... always something... hey?

Travelling

As wonderful as it is, it is a bit dreary... Long hauls, small spaces, hard to sleep, guess though if you look at the positive side of everything you get once arriving at your destination, its all worth it :)

I am currently having breakfast at Heathrow, waiting for my connecting flight to Copenhagen, a little bit bored, but enjoyiong the ability to use the internet.

Hopefully I am putting my head down on a pillow at my sisters place tonight, unbelievable and really nice. I sooo look forward to meeting family again! Its been 8 months since I saw my siblings last time.

Barbros hälsobröd

2dl grahams mjöl

3dl rågsikt

2,5dl krossad havre

1,5dl vetekli

1,75dl vetegroddar

2dl fint rågmjöl

5dl vetemjöl

1 l lättfil

2dl sirap

2 tsk salt

5 tsk bikarbonat

Brödet bakas medhjälp av bikarbonat, det är enkelt: Blanda alla grejer, lägg i form, in i ugn.

Alla torra ingredienser blandas, tillsätt därefter fil och sirap, rör om och häll degen i 2 smorda formar. Grädda 75 min 200 grader.

Quote:

"In order to succeed you must fail, so that you know what not to do the next time."

Anthony D'Angelo

Shit happens

Sometimes life disappoints you... deal with it!

Emotionally dead, or maybe it’s just the inability to let people close enough.

Is it possible to only experience the positive scale of our feelings or do we have to let people close enough, allowing them to access our vulnerable spots, there as also opening up making it possible for people to hurt you. I’ve been hurt in the past, really hurt, resulting in my “inability” to let people close; it takes time to get to know me. Or maybe not, but it takes time for me to trust someone to the extent that I let them effect my feelings. Problem is this resulting in the inability to feel stuff. Now I’ve moved to a new place, new country, new continent, meeting new people and slowly getting to know them. However after 7 months I realize that on a daily basis I don’t feel anything… scary. I go through my day, trying to sort other people’s issues out, not attending my own. Escaping into the world of movies, feeling other people’s emotions, creating a fake scenario giving me a sense that I still can feel something.

So true...

Dear God,
So far today, I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped. I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been greedy, grumpy
nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.

I'm very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, God,
I'm going to get out of bed;
and from then on, I'm probably
going to need a lot more help!
Amen.

Perspective's during midnight

Midnight is awsome. Everything & everyone is asleep in the house.
Yesterday was a hard day & in the evening it all seamed too much. Now
it seams ok, managable, I'm going back to sleep.

Testing my phone!

If this works this is my first post from my cellphone, meaning I can
blogg anytime & anywhere :)

Ciao

The Creed, by Steve Turner

Is this the reality we live in?

We believe in Max, Freud and Darwin,
We believe everything is ok as long as you don’t hurt anyone, to the best of your definition of hurt, and to the best of your knowledge.
We believe in sex before, during and after marriage,
We believe in the therapy of sin, we believe that adultery is fun
We believe that Sodom is ok, and that taboo’s are taboo.
We believe that everything is getting better, despite evidence to the contrary. The evidence must be investigated and you can prove anything with evidence.
We believe there is something in horoscopes, UFO’s and bent spoons.
Jesus was a good man, just like Buddha, Mohammed and ourselves. He was a good moral teacher although we think his good morals were bad.
We believe that all religions are basically the same, at least the last one we read about was. They all believe in love and goodness, they only differ on matters of creation, sin, heaven, hell, God and salvation.
We believe that after death comes the nothing, because when you ask the dead what happened they say nothing. If death is not the end, if the dead have lied then it is compulsory heaven for all, except perhaps, Hitler, Stalin and Gingis Khan.
We believe in masters and Johnson, what’s selected is average and what’s average is normal, what’s normal is good.
We believe in total disarmament, we believe that there is direct links between warfare and bloodshed. Americans should beat their guns into tractors and the Russians would be sure to follow. We believe that man is essentially good; it is only his behaviour that lets him down. This is the fault of society, society is the fault of conditions, and conditions are the fault of society. We believe that each man must find the truth that is right for him, reality will adapt accordingly. The universe will readjust, history will alter.
We believe that there is no absolute truth, except the truth that there is no absolute truth. We believe in the rejection of creeds, and the flowering of individual thoughts. Welcome to the year 2002.

The Word!

Powerful,

strong,

life-changing,

memorable

& even eternal...

...

How do you master the power that exists in the word?

If in a room with people you are "given the word",

is it not amazing how legitimate it is for everyone,

to listen to what you have to say.

...

You're left with the ability to build a person,

through oral affirmation,

or tear them down with merely a few words.


...

Power, how do you handle it?

Life?

I love to fool around and play the clown, combined with being serious and goal orientated. I’ve never been able to place myself into one of life’s predetermined squares of character or personality. I’ve always experienced a mixture of everything, growing up in another country, moving a lot, changing schools, different cultures, different skin colors, all this in a mixture, forming me to be the person I am today.

Sometimes it feels like I will never fit in anywhere and sometimes it feels like I can fit in anywhere.
Sometimes it feels like I am part of nothing and other times like I’m part of everything.

After 7 months in a new place I find that only one side of my person has been showing. People here have only seen my serious side, the side that always copes, that always knows what to do and that always has it together. How do you tell people that the image they carry is false… or at lease half false? How do you inform them that I am so much more, that what they’ve seen is only a shell of properness?

More importantly, how do I find a place where my inner child can come out? Where I can relax completely and not worry about life? A place where I can cry without feeling shame, or role round the floor laughing without embarrassment, or just sit quite without explanation? How?

Change

Apparently a senior IBM executive said (in the middle of making the elephant dance) “reengineering is like starting a fire on your head and putting it out with a hammer”.